Weary me

10-31-2018

Last day of the 10th month.

I am worn out

Dog-tired

Exhausted

Fatigued

Dead beat

Bone-tired

Ready to drop

drained

Enervated

Fed up

Sometimes I wonder what’s the point of doing the things that I am doing?

What’s the point of waiting?

What’s the point of sacrificing?

What’s the point of serving?

What’s the point of understanding?

What’s the point of extending?

What’s the point of caring?

What’s the point of trying?

What’s the point of hoping?

What’s the point of living?

Questions that more often than not strike whenever I am in dire need of detachment from the world of expectations. Feeling weary does not happen to me too often but when it does, it hits hard. For somebody like me who’s usually energetic, on-the-go, goal-setter, goal-getter — when weariness strikes, it strikes big time. And even if I try too hard to control myself from either walking away or shutting people off, in most cases that’s what will happen. Rather than hurting people or blurting out some bad expressions, over time I learned to keep silent and just keep my distance. And so this is what’s happening to me right now. I am tired at work. I am fed up of all complaints. I am exhausted of trying to help people who are not even trying to help themselves. I am tired of waiting. Yes, I get tired too. Who doesn’t? I am disappointed of people who are always letting me wait –for nothing. And so I closed my doors just for awhile (for I know this will pass too) and allow myself to recuperate through writing. Then just like that, I am feeling okay. Few of you might think I am going crazy, but who cares “pag-emote sad mo then pagblog.”

And perhaps the timing is just so right. Maybe I really need that time off, good thing I filed for vacation leave. Perfect timing for me to deal with my weariness and trouble inside. And so by then, I can be back to normal and energetic self and hopefully find more positive reasons to those questions I have depressingly thrown to myself.

Yes, I may not be perfect. I can be rude “maldita.” I may struggle too hard in dealing with my temper and learning desperately to become patient enough but I will use my days off to get back to that compassionate and jolly self, after all everyone deserves not just another try but multiple chances of becoming better.

I thank the Holy Spirit for always guiding me on how I react to things that are not so admirable. Soon enough I can answer the questions enthusiastically that

. .the point of waiting is learning to trust; and so I will continue to wait even if its tiresome.

. .that the point of sacrificing is loving.

. .that the point of serving is extending our lives to others just as Jesus has given His life for us.

. .that the point of understanding is showing compassion, acceptance and forgiveness.

. .and that I will continue to live and hope regardless of my situation.

So this ends my quick melodramatic moment, I will enjoy my 5days vacation.

Imperfect yet perfectly loved by Him,

Charmaine

My Testimony

In Mark 5:19, Jesus said, “No, go home to your family, and tell them everything the Lord has done for you and how merciful he has been.” When you experience something wonderful, your first response should be to treasure and be grateful for it. So I am sharing to the story of Jesus in my life because joy and peace are meant to be shared and cherished.

This the written version of the testimony that I did for Cross Pointe Church’s FRAN (Friends Relatives Associates Neighbors) Day or 8th Anniversary yesterday, October 14, 2018.

My Life Before Christ

I used to be tactless and independent. I care less of people around me.  I say what I see and I what I feel regardless of what the person would feel. I can be very blunt and my words were deadly. My parents can attest how stubborn I was. I can also be very impatient. Our family went through difficult times and there were few people who’ve been not so nice to us who contributed a lot why I do not trust people easily and I tend to be defensive and can be rude sometimes. I was so full of bitterness. This has affected so much on how I deal with others and my relationships. Financially, we were not in a good state and I  have seen its effects since I was a child and so I told myself, I will study hard and will do everything in my power to help my family rise and that I will not suffer ever again in the future. And so I did, I studied hard and tried to be responsible in my own ways. I graduated Bachelors of Nursing but God led me to a different path contrary to what others would expect. By the time I finished school, there was just a very slim chance of getting a clinical job and so I landed in ESL schools, outsourcing company and then eventually in a call center. For me it’s a temporary place, I thrived but stress consumed me and led me to frustration and depression.

HOW I MET CHRIST

I was a struggling young professional and was seeking for that stability and that “breakthrough”. However, I was searching for it in the wrong place and from the wrong people. I was desperately looking for something that can satisfy me but hasn’t found it. By that time, our family was crushed by another huge crisis again which involved my brother and drugs. I will not just divulge further.

A very good friend helped me realized that the way I am dealing with my struggles and how I am living my life separated me from God. He shared his stories and partly I was moved. He encouraged me that I do not have to face my challenges alone for God is our refuge and our strength. Since then, I started to join lifegroup but I did not fully surrender everything to Him. I was still stubborn and half-hearted. I have laid sets of conditions and I cannot count how many times he ever tried to break that wall and ask me to fully trust Him until that family issue with my brother worsens. On bended knees, I cried to the Lord and asked Him to lead my life for I am weak and was very foolish.  There are just battles that are too hard to fight and that one thing you can ever do is to hand it over to the Lord and let him win. Exodus 14:14, “The Lord will fight for you and you shall hold your peace and remain at rest.” Whether my struggles may be big or small, I learned to commit to the Lord and allow Him to fight for me. It is important to resist becoming fearful or anxious because more often it can cause us to react rashly and make poor decisions and costly mistakes.

As I was browsing my journal back when I was still starting my walk, I have read one of my scribbles that says, “Chai, the Lord is your strong tower. You can run to Him and be safe.” Thankfully, God has his amazing ways on how to lead us closer to him. I am just so glad He’s my ever shining lighthouse.

The way God helped me is by breaking me from my inherent self-dependence so that I can lean totally on Him. God must break us of our self-dependence so that He can bless as we cling to Him in our brokenness. My problems led me to look to God and depend on Him instead of myself.

 

MY LIFE AFTER I SURRENDERED IT TO GOD

The way look at life changed. I have been serving the ministry since 2013. My life may be full of untold sufferings, anguish, and sadness but I am still grateful for I learned these valuable lessons:

I learned to be humble. I cannot control my situation but I can always control how I react and deal with it. I learned to acknowledge my need for God’s presence. No matter how I plan my life, it’s Him who will direct me. I shall never forget that my talents and capabilities came from Him, I can’t boast.

God is always fair. This is the reality of becoming a Christian. Following Him is not always convenient. Doing the right thing will not always lead to a better outcome. Jesus dying on the cross for our sins is the best example. He is perfect and did not sin yet he suffered the most excruciating and agonizing death penalty just to save us. For me, this is just enough reason to stay faithful.

God will make all things work together for good. I learned that no matter what happens in my life, I can always have the confidence that God is in ultimate control. In John 13:7, Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

I learned to be faithful and part of that is to be patient. Patience is something I lack greatly in almost every way. Me being the type of person who plans my activities can’t wait for anything a second over. My lifegroup sisters know how many times I have cried and prayed to the Lord to bring comfort and victory to my life as quickly as possible. My ultimate prayer was for me to be able to share His love with my own family. I know it took a long time or maybe it also took the time to see the changes or works of the Lord in my life. I grumble often and I didn’t understand why the wait took so long. And now I am happy each every Sunday that I get to see my parents and cousins receive God’s word. I rejoiced with the Lord the day I knew my mom accepted Jesus and when my dad asked to join a lifegroup. It’s worth it! It gives me HOPE that someday my brother will be sitting with us too. My ultimate hope is to see him praise Him and that he will experience the kind of love and grace I received from Him and he leads his family making sure God is the center. My encouragement for those who are like me is to pray and pray and never ever cease praying. Prayer works and He listens and answers them.

Forgive quickly, as Ephesians 4:32 says Be Kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.

Praise regardless: This is a statement that I will borrow from our church pastor. I will forever be grateful for God’s love and graciousness regardless of my situation.

• I praise God for the tears that I have shed. He’s been my comfort.
• I praise God for the times that I feel alone and no one ever listened. He’s been, listener and confidante.
• I praise God for the doors that have been closed. He has opened better opportunities for me and gave me purpose.
• I praise God for broken relationships. By His grace and guidance, he helped me mend it.
• I praise God for the times that I have been so empty and have nothing. He taught me how to trust and to share what I have.
• I praise God for the sleepless nights. He led me to get to know people with whom I can share the Gospel with. His love has awakened me!
• I praise God for singlehood. It gives me chance to fully enjoy time with Him and just enjoy His Greatness.
• I praise God for the depressing time I spent in waiting. He taught me that great things take time and everything will unfold in its perfect place and time.
• I praise God for the times I am tired and weary. He’s been my strength.
• I praise God for the times I have been ridiculed. He’s been, my defender.
• I praise God for rejections for I know that He accepts and love me for who I am.
• I can even praise God for traffic. I can slowly look around and see how wonderful life can be when you are with Him.

Lastly, I learned to trust God’s purpose in my life. Many asked if will I ever go back to the clinical field again and be a nurse. For now, God has been so clear in directing me to stay. He has placed me in my current workplace for a purpose and I will continue to serve Him faithfully. It’s tiring and overwhelming to be in that place but for now, God asked me to stay although it’s not the most high-paying job in the world. Perhaps the reason why I have gone through those difficult situations in the past is for me to be able to minister in that harvest field. They call it a job but I call it mission and I am willing to take it. I will continue to spread the love and continue to share the Good news in that place. I will go wherever He will lead me.

I will end this with a heart full of thanksgiving. I will be forever grateful for His love and mercy. All the Glory and Praise to Him alone!

Forever Grateful,

Charmaine

The Survivor and His Story of Hope

(This is a feature write-up that I did for Azpired Inc. Social and Style Magazine. Please visit https://www.azpired.com/sas-magazine/ ). I hope this will inspire your day and that you will be encouraged to HOPE.

Nothing more heart-breaking when the doctor told John he had Nasopharyngeal Cancer. “My attending physician knew I was sick even just by looking at my neck lump.” He said he was shocked when he realized he was very ill. “I thought I couldn’t have anything serious wrong with me and that they just have to remove that lump.” He delayed seeking for medical help because he does not want to miss work. There were early signs yet he opted alternative medical practices and started doing healthier eating habits.  He did not take much attention to that progressively growing inflammation in his neck. It took him 2-3 months to finally realize the need to have it checked when he had this unusual bleeding and the lymph node grew tremendously. The diagnosis was all too real and so he aggressively pursued treatment and had to temporarily leave work. “I was scared and upset,” he said. “I thought it would be the end. Thankfully, it wasn’t.”

He had a more renewed sense of being and new outlook in life. “When you experience something like this, you have to make every moment count,” he said. “While I wouldn’t want to go through it again, I am grateful from the journey because I see life in a more positive light now and appreciate every day.”

He has fully recovered and gets follow-up testing every 3 months to make sure the cancer hasn’t come back. The latest lab results revealed all values are within normal limits and scans showed all areas to be clear. John is looking ahead and keeping up with his fitness routine, diet and healthy lifestyle especially now that he’s back at work. He also travels every once in a while and makes every effort to live his passion and do the things that makes him happy. He learned to treasure time. He still keeps a very positive disposition. He’s grateful to his father and girlfriend Abby for taking care of him and for not giving up on him in that lowest time in his life.

“I am thankful for Azpired for accepting me despite my condition. Thank you for the trust and for allowing me to handle the account. Thanks to all who have helped. You gave me hope.”

---

 

**This is one of the inspiring stories I’ve known. Truly, there are lots of reasons to be grateful whether we are enjoying God’s blessings or overwhelmed by trials and hardships. Just as He did to John, He will never desert us.

 

Inspired and always forever and ever grateful writer,

Charmaine

 

 

 

weekend praise

Disclaimer: this is one of those few moments that I will do my journal instantly online. Less edit so bear with the typos, wrong grammars and all. I’ll just make it less formal. Ahw!

I can jump for joy for it’s my rest day. Sounds exaggerating huh but yeah! Who doesn’t love weekends ayt?! I can rest, just relax, unwind and perhaps watch series, the list goes on but most importantly, I have more undivided time for the Lord. Time to praise Him and just thank him for whatever that has happened for the last 5 days. but why do we really give thanks?

Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good. His love endures forever. -Chronicles 16:34

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. – Thessalonians 5:18

An whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him. – Colossians 3:17

I learned that being thankful must not only be during thanksgiving day or in good times. The Bible says that we have to be thankful in everything. Whether we are enjoying with God’s blessings and favor or overwhelmed by trials and hardships He is giving, we can still be grateful just by who He is. It’s being thankful that He promised He will never leave nor forsake us. He already blessed us with the gift of salvation and eternal life, so let’s  be all be grateful, thankful, and blessed!

 

 

Forever Grateful,

Charmaine

 

The POWER of “THANK YOU”

It has become my morning routine to walk and do some “me time” or self-check after a long day’s/night’s of work. It’s great to see the rising sun and feel the cool misty breeze of the morning as it soothes my skin. It’s such a therapeutic relief just to walk calmly, let the jeepneys and cars pass you by the road while listening to your favorite Spotify playlist or just nothing at all. That’s my usual kind of morning. Yes, I walk. I walk from IT Park to Mabolo. With my not so sedentary lifestyle in the call center, I needed that well-deserved leg exercise and stretching. This is the also the same moment wherein I think of how my night went by. It’s like my “Hey Chai, have you been good or naughty?” LOL! An officemate once commented if I do not feel lonesome at all or what. Yes, it may seem lonely just to be alone walking on that busy street but for me, it’s my way to disconnect myself from all the tasks and other work-related stuff that’s been occupying my brain for more or less 8-12 hours. Maybe this is also what aging has brought into my life. LOL! I have become more intuitive, reflective and I value my personal space and peace and quietness more than ever.

 

My reflection earlier has been quite momentous. Being a trainer/supervisor, I spent my whole night coaching and training agents on how they can improve their communication skills. Of all the things that are in my job description, I guess I excel most in mentoring agents and making sure quality will not be compromised. I hated reports, spreadsheets, computations, and the likes but I feel more fulfilled when I do reviews and training. I thank God for filling my heart with such an enjoyable role. What’s more fulfilling is hearing your mentees say “thank you” for just random and small things that you have provided to them in order to keep their tasks easier. Working in a call center has brought a lot of opportunities for me to help. Even when I take calls, I feel blessed to hear callers thank you for the service that you have provided. That’s a great feeling. Hearing them say that you work has been appreciated is such a music to my soul. I have come to think that if this is what I feel, how much more the Lord when we say thanks to the grace that we received, no matter how big or little it is.

 

In continuation with my Exodus devotion, I am again reminded of the foremost reason to be thankful. The Israelites saw how God extended a hand to them and they took them. However, just as Israel “forgot His works and His wonders that He had shown them we are prone to forget God and His goodness towards us. This is why reading The Word is really very important, where we see God’s abundant goodness to us in giving us life and salvation. I am never alone. We are never alone because He is always with us and we should thank Him. This attitude of thankfulness will see us through our trials and tribulations of life.

 

 

Indeed there are so many reasons to be grateful. Here’s what I am thankful recently:

• Thankful for the Word that keeps me going each and every day no matter how difficult my situation could have been.
• Thankful to the Lord for giving me the purpose to live –to share His love and to serve genuinely.
• Thankful for my family especially my parents and for understanding the path that I chose to live even if this is way different than what they have actually envisioned.
• Thankful for friends who have shown their love and support for all the ministries I do every day.
• Thankful for every difficult people surrounding me for they gave me more reason to cling to the Lord and ask for guidance.
• Thankful for my workmates who are making life at work more fulfilling and enjoyable, the burden becomes lesser.
• Thankful for every laughter that I share with a few good friends.
• Thankful for the children I serve every week.
• Thankful to the Lord for the talent and skills so I may serve Him more faithfully. He has put color into my life when He allowed me to share His love through my arts and crafts.

 

In return, I will show my thankfulness in every way I can. Whether it’s the jeepney driver, it would be nice to thank them for bringing you safely into your destination. Or perhaps the food server at your cafeteria or in that fast food chain, for spending the time to treat you nice and properly serve your meal. It would be awesome if we thank that security officer in your building for the sleepless nights and long hours of waiting and just checking the vicinity to ensure your safety. It may be saying thanks to that barista for that warm cup of coffee that you have ordered. Whatever it is that you are doing or whoever he/she that you have worked with or encounter, learn to appreciate and give thanks. The power of that two words “Thank you” will go beyond miles and sometimes that’s the reason why somebody continues to fight their daily battles for they know that somebody has cared and appreciated them.

 

See videos and photos of last week’s highlights.

Brianna’s Birthday (daughter of one of my teammates).

Song of praise / submission. My offering ❤

Teammates turned into friends, turned into family ❤

 

A post from one of my dearest friends that inspired me to continue with my journey.

A little memory corner for me and the Bff/roomie, my ever supportive friend

Squad goals! We’re preparing for the greatest dance of our lives. #teaser #leadingtheyouth

The thank the Lord for giving me the time to travel and just break-free ❤

 

 

 

Forever Grateful,

Charmaine

 

Highligh